Depression has hit me hard lately. It’s always looming over my head like a storm, but it still seems to sink me deeper sometimes. If you don’t know what depression feels like, a good way to describe it is like a mosquito (or some other annoying bug) buzzing in your ear constantly, and you can’t swat it away. It’s unignorable – which apparently is not a real word, but let’s just ignore that little fact.
I haven’t been used to writing so I couldn’t even remember what writing program to open and write with. I figured it out, but that’s not how I want things to be going.
I don’t think I’ve cracked my laptop open in several days, which has been an ongoing trend. This plastic paper weight has just been sitting there, mocking me, and for some reason my cat thought it would be a good idea to sleep on it a couple of times. Because a hard plastic surface is comparable to a fluffy couch… I’ll never understand that! (Photo is reference for how comfy my cat looked while sleeping on my laptop.)
My body feels weak and broken, and using the cliche phrase, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
I’m tired of feeling bad, tired of waiting to feel better, tired of tests and medications, calling doctors and dealing with the intricacies of the medical billing world, tired of sleeping, tired of watching tv, tired of using the internet, tired of this mindset.
I want to read and write, finish my novel, make money… be so productive that I don’t even have time to think of feeling bad.
If only I could feel good enough to do that.
I want to do NaNoWriMo this year… Yeah, that’s what I always think.
I want to do a bunch of things.
I want to just schedule a hysterectomy and get rid of this organ that is causing me excruciating pain and more dysfunction in my life. I actually daydream about talking to my doctor about this and them agreeing to it in a heartbeat, and then having it done and feeling amazing – at least compared to how I feel now. Is it sad that I daydream about that?
But I know it won’t be easy at all to have that done, and there’s always the fear that the surgery wouldn’t even help the pain. (If it’s Adenomyosis, it should help since the womb is where the pain is centralized, but considering I also have Endometriosis and PCOS, I likely will still suffer with some degree of pain.)
I don’t want my blog to be this mopey, complaining place, but I also want to use it as a place to share what it’s like living with chronic illness… so it goes hand in hand.
Putting on a happy face is way harder than it should be.
-tired mind typing fingers
Photo via Pixabay