I feel like a failure all the time.
If I didn’t have any (or as many) issues with my health, I probably would’ve achieved much more – which, is basically nothing. If eating and breathing count, if surviving counts, well, then there’s that.
Just being able to get up and out of bed for the day (usually as late as 3-7 pm…) is an accomplishment for me. I know how sad that sounds. It feels pretty sad, too. I can’t describe the frustration. I want to just lead a normal, productive life without pain… Without something weighing me down.
When I go to get ready and dressed for the (rest of the) day, I struggle so much. My body feels weighed down by bricks… so heavy. My mind is foggy, fatigued. My energy level is zero. When I’m done, I’m wiped out. Literally, that is a lot for me to do.
TV is my friend; my bed is my home; my pain is my life; my future feels futile.
I hate feeling jealous over others’ achievements. You can get up early and get ready, then drive yourself to a job where you work all day, then run errands and make dinner? And everything in between, too? Typing that exhausted me. I don’t know how I would be able to do that for one day, let alone every day. If you’re battling health issues and can manage working, major kudos to you.
I cannot do much of anything, so working a ‘typical job’ is out of the question. I’ve tried it, I’ve tried different things that are supposed to ‘help.’ It’s not always that easy.
But, I know that it’s so easy to judge people in my situation because it might just seem like we’re making a conscious choice not to work. If only. I don’t want to be poor and unproductive! Who does?!
Then there’s the dreaded curiosity…
“What do you do all day?”
I hate that question, although it’s kind of a valid one. For some reason it just makes me feel overly offended, like they think I’m a lazy piece of garbage. Just spit it out, already. I know what you’re thinking. (Sorry, that question makes me mad.)
Or, you know…
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” That works too.
I ponder the quote below – is my pain temporary? #chronicillness
“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.”
― Lance Armstrong,
TMTF (tired mind typing fingers)