…though I felt like it.

Well, it’s the fourth? day of the blog, and I haven’t posted in two days. How surprising! I slept a lot yesterday and the day before, I think (it all sort of blends together). I slept late today, but that happens most days. I don’t know if the pain causes me to sleep so late, or depression, or both. But, no napping on National Napping Day. To be completely honest, I didn’t know about the holiday. πŸ˜‰

Yesterday and today I’ve been having a terrible flare-up. Sometimes I can sleep through the pain, sometimes I can’t. I grudgingly made a doctor’s appointment but it’s not for another couple of weeks. In the meantime I’m hoping I can manage the pain if it doesn’t go away on its own. By the time the appointment rolls around, the pain might have already disappeared – for the time being.

I dread appointments because they’re usually incredibly fruitless. I’m so grateful that I have access to healthcare, don’t get me wrong; however, years of dismissal and being thrown around like a rag doll can make you pessimistic and skeptical. Years of making appointments with hopes as high as mountains, only to leave the office in tears or feeling numb. No answers, no leads. Some new tests which mostly show nothing. “You’re healthy.” Then why do I have pain? Pain 3+ weeks a month is not normal. Don’t set your expectations too high, like I did – probably the most important lesson I’ve learned from this process. If you expect nothing at all then you’ll be satisfyingly surprised if things go well – is that the way to think, or too pessimistic?

I found it really difficult to write through the pain this time. This flare-up was especially bad. I’m trying to write this now when I feel much better than earlier (the beginning of this post was an excruciating time), but when it was really, really bad, all I could do was lay there and wish for it to go away.

β€œWe can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
― Abraham Lincoln

^^I plan to do both. I believe venting is important and helpful once in a while (not all day every day). As a blog that focuses on chronic illness, though, the complaining is probably more prominent than the positivity, but I want to gain a more positive outlook. πŸ™‚

Constant pain and constant roadblocks caused by the constant pain, is disheartening to say the least. How can I do anything when I’m either in crippling pain, or too depressed to try to start something? I guess all we can do is try. Right?

β€œInstead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Did you nap today? zzzZZZZZZ


Photo from, by Woodsie


Author: tiredmindtypingfingers

Writing about writing and chronic illness, and trying to make something out of it.

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