I can’t go for a job interview tomorrow.

I don’t have an income.

I don’t have my own place.

I don’t possess many (any?) skills, or a college degree. In fact, I’m kind of a college-dropout… if you can call it that. I didn’t stay long.

The future? It seems bleak and impossible.

How can we grab opportunities out of the sky? They don’t always just exist, opportunities have to be made... Created when there are literally NO OTHER OPTIONS.

My biggest hurdle as someone with several chronic health issues, is making things happen.


My body feels like my bones have been filled with concrete. The constant fatigue is all too real; the 12 hours of sleep feels like a lie. I’m not happy in this state of mind, and having much more than nothing truly seems unrealistic at this point. And, that’s just the beginning…

I don’t want to be the person who makes a ton of excuses. I’m not “lazy” by choice. What I do know, is that the loop of pain, depression, and general terrible-ness of chronic illness comes slithering back to bite me, grasping me in its familiarity, telling myself:

“I’m too tired, I don’t feel up to it, I have too much pain, what’s the point? I’ll try tomorrow.”

That is something we should all try to be aware of. The vicious cycles that life throws at us. Fighting through the difficulties when you can, and knowing your boundaries by not overdoing it, but also knowing what overdoing it really means for you.

I’m fairly fond of the idea of working in intervals. When I have a ton of motivation to write, I like to sit down and just type it out, as long as I can hold up. If I can’t do much else that day, at least I know I did that.


I’ve done research into work from home jobs, pinned the pins (oh, beloved Pinterest) that claimed you could make $50 an hour doing who knows what. There were a couple jobs I applied to, some applications I’ve yet to complete, some I discovered were scams. The scamminess of these avenues is my concern and partly why I’m discouraged from going down that route. I wrote articles for a writing site a bit ago, but ended up quitting that, too. Part of the reason why being self-employed appeals to me is because there are basically no rules or hours, and I can write whatever my heart desires. (I’m not saying that you can’t do more than one of these things, obviously the more you reach out and try several methods, the more likely you’ll be successful and/or possibly gain connections that will lead to success… if nothing else, you’ll learn new skills.)

Trying to carve your own money-making path throughout life is very daunting, especially when you’re not somebody who can give up and get a “typical” job, or even for those who can work but cannot land a job. I’ve read inspirational stories of people like me, people who can’t do anything for themselves, only to work really hard and have it finally pay off… But, how do you make something from nothing, and what does that something mean? I’d love to be a writer, but I’d love even more to be a paid writer. 😉

As a total newbie and failure, I wanted to sort of delve into what I think it means to “make it”, even though it’s probably a fair assessment to say success = lots of money!


One of the definitions of success, from

“a person or thing that has had success, as measured by attainment of goals, wealth, etc.”

When I think of success at this point in my life, I think of being able to afford a place of my own with pretty much just the bare essentials… If I’m feeling a little more optimistic that day, it’s being able to treat myself occasionally. Being able to put that something in the shopping cart without thinking about the financial implications. When I used to think of success, my expectations were much higher, much grander. Somewhere between then and now, my perspective shifted, and understandably so. As the pain and issues worsened, so did my negativity, and the hope that I could realize an independent lifestyle kind of went out the window. You can wish for things, but the reality is, what the reality is. If you’re at the bottom, a small improvement means so much more than that. Being able to support myself seems like such an outlandish idea right now, if you said I could have it I might laugh, and I might go into shock if you told me I made it happen on my own.

If I could pick what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, it would most likely include writing. I have other interests, but writing comes the easiest and most natural to me – and one of the perks of writing is that you can incorporate your other interests into your writing. For instance, if you like baking, you can write a series of books about a character who bakes, and in that sense, you can sort of “live” through your character and get that satisfaction of your other interest through your knowledge of that subject. If that makes sense.


That being said, I started writing a novel two years ago, and I cannot finish it. Definitely due to not feeling well, but also just a huge writer’s block staring me in the face! I wrote the whole thing – okay, not the whole thing – and that’s where my problem lies. I know the plot, beginning and ending; it’s mostly already written. It’s just that the story doesn’t feel “complete” yet, like some plot holes regarding side characters. Technically I could probably take those characters/story lines out altogether, but I’d love to include layers: a rounded out story that incorporates many different characters, themes, and struggles. I don’t need the novel to be perfect, and maybe I’m just being too picky. I think I set my sights a little too high for my first big writing project anyway, but this has been something nagging at me to just finish. If only it were that easy… I’ve learned lots of lessons from attempting this novel so far, but I’ll leave that for another time, I suppose.

This explains exactly my sentiment toward my novel…

“No book can ever be finished. While working on it we learn just enough to find it immature the moment we turn away from it.”
Karl R. Popper


Just pondering, I think the hardest part of being your own boss would be the accountability/motivation aspects. I’ve tried online courses which were all about accountability and self-motivation, and those were the things that got me.

You hear about the people who own their own restaurant and have to work 80 hours a week. The extraordinarily successful online figure who doesn’t get a break. The only person you answer to is you, and that means strict time management, efficiency, and plain old working your butt off. That, plus the disadvantage of being distracted while you’re at home (advantage is not having to wear professional clothing or even combing your hair if you so choose). Oppositely, I lack the most basic motivation…motivation is a huge struggle for most of us, and for those like me? Well, who am I kidding. I need a little more help.

If only there was an alarm clock that could wake me from my fatigued-state and give me a swift kick to get going, if only “the system” was understanding of chronic illness, if only there were medications without side effects, if only things were perfect. Since they’re not, there’s only one guarantee: there’s work that can be done, whether I feel good one minute, or absolutely terrible the next. I want to fight through it, and I want to try to write through it.

…whether this is my first and last post, or first of many, I guess you’ll see! Going to take a break now.

What is your idea of success? Are you on the same journey?

“You don’t start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap and thinking it’s good stuff, and then gradually you get better at it.
That’s why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence.”
Octavia E. Butler


Photo from, by aitoff


Author: tiredmindtypingfingers

Writing about writing and chronic illness, and trying to make something out of it.

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